"Valerian And The City Of A Thousand Planets" Movie Review - Valerian Ascending

I do not set out to see bad movies, Generally, I try to avoid them at all costs, and will typically not see a movie which has had some especially bad marketing. Quite why I then allowed Luc Besson's new movie "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" to break my rule I don't think even I'll ever really understand. The trailers were terrible and nothing about the marketing was particularly ambitious or interesting. Maybe it was the effects that lured me in? Maybe the promise of some at least interesting action? Maybe it was that the film was being hailed as the director's "masterpiece", even after he made movies such as "Leon" and "The Fifth Element"? I don't know, but I let whatever it was get the better of me despite my concerns and better judgement. The result of that was that I was subjected to one of the worst movies of the year so far, and something that is ultimately the definition of "all style, no substance". Let's be clear on that point first though. Luc Besson, in a similar way to Michael Bay at this point, has a real eye and talent for visual flair in his movies, and knows how to direct actors and the creation of a CGI landscape. The visual effects and CGI in the movie is absolutely stunning to behold, particularly when we are first introduced to the city of Alpha via a series of long shots through the different districts of the city, and the various species which inhabit them. The different alien creatures also look great (apart from a set of three irritating duck-like creatures which I found hideous to look at), and all of the effects seamlessly work through all of the action beats as well. It also keeps a very graphic-novel style of effect, almost cartoon like, which is somewhat admirable given the film's graphic novel origins. However, there is one unfortunate problem right off the bat with the landscapes. They are simple not very interesting to look at. The alien creatures are all inherently generic designs when you really look at them, and nothing comes across as very intriguing about any of them. It's like watching a swarm of "Ben 10" characters, and even they were more visually arresting. The city itself and all of the landscape is also inherently dull, and fails to really capture audience imagination. There's a red light district, a fishing district, and so forth. Nothing feels like anything that couldn't be seen on Earth, except that it is populated with alien creatures. Unfortunately, sometimes, that's not enough.

The basic plot of the movie is that the city of Alpha, which is home to the races and cultures of a thousand different planets, comes under threat from a mysterious force which seems to have origins thought impossible. Deployed to uncover the evil and stop it if possible are agents Valerian (Dane DeHann) and Laureline (Cara Delevingne), who seek to do this while dealing with personal issues. You might have noticed that I used the words "basic plot" at the beginning of this section. The reason for that is because the movie often takes various pointless turns and introduces various subplots which go nowhere. One such instance includes a race of four-armed aliens and their king, which also introduces Rihanna's shapeshifter character called Bubble (because of course she is) who is introduced via a pole dancing scene in a intergalactic strip club. Coincidentally, this was also the point that my friend who dragged us to see this movie looked over at us and voiced "I'm sorry". With that said, let's now return to the main plot. When the story is eventually introduced to us after a pointless 35 minute opening action set piece, the writers suddenly remembered that they actually required a plot. Unfortunately, they decided to settle on one of the most standard plots known to this genre of film. It results in the rest of the movie becoming an even more boring and now predictable affair. Simply from common sense and maybe some knowledge from other movies, you can work out the basic plot of the entire movie within the first 10 minutes. Pay attention to the (I'll note dreadful) editing, and a few specific shots, and you can even work out the hopeful "twists" the writers were clearly banking on to spice up the plot. I'll drop a quick spoiler here: they don't. It's a shame that a movie with such potential for an interesting story has opted to be satisfied with this extremely standard plot. What's more, this skeleton of a script is so riddled with holes and contrivances that you will not struggle to find ways that the story could have easily been improved, and are likely to find yourself wishing that this movie had rather been made as a series of short films, showing the far more interesting (albeit still generic) subplots.

Don't worry, Drab 1 and Drab 2 are on the case

Not only does the movie fail to create a coherent and at least mildly enjoyable plot, but it also fails to create good characters. In fact, these characters are the exact opposite and of the spectrum, and are frequently annoying, stupid, or straight-up unlikable. Every single character in the movie is dreadfully written. No character is given any real development or motivation for their actions, and largely just come across as stereotypes. The two leads in the film are handed some incredibly dull characters to play. Laureline herself has no actual character and in fact comes across as bored with everything happening for most of the film. The film also tries to inject some comic relief in the form of 3 creepy bat-like creatures which occasionally make an appearance. I say "tried" because these characters are as annoying, if not more so, as the legendary Jar-Jar Binks. Seriously, good luck watching this film without getting annoyed by these horrors. However, the biggest problem is with Valerian himself. Rather than being the interesting and fun lead the movie needed, he comes across as incredibly unlikable for the entirety by his repeated stupidity, and even creepy by the way his would-be romance with Laureline is written. What was meant to be charming presumably now comes across as creepy and slightly sinister in some places. At least there is one area where the movie is somewhat consistent: the script, which will consistently infuriate you. The characters are only weighed down further by some truly terrible performances. I'll just admit now that I don't like Dane DeHann, the lead in this, as an actor. He's uncharismatic, irritating, and comes across as incredibly snide and cocky in every movie he is in. The trend continues here. His performance contributes massively to Valerian's unlikable nature throughout the film, and he has a complete lack of chemistry with Cara Delevingne, which only makes his continued advances even more unsettling, cementing this character in my mind as nothing more than a walking sexual harassment order. Delevingne is the second lead in the film and she really does try her best to inject any personality into her performance. Unfortunately, this is the equivalent of her trying to fly by flapping her arms in midair. Without support, in this case, from the script, she is going to fall to her death. Metaphorically, her character does the same regardless of her best efforts. The rest of the cast don't do much better, and thoroughly wastes a group of talented actors, like Ethan Hawke, Elizabeth Debicki and John Goodman. It's a truly sad state of affairs when Rihanna delivers the best performance in the movie. Have you seen "Battleship"? If you have, you know what I'm talking about.

See what I mean? It's like a dull version of the Na'Vi from "Avatar"

The movie does attempt to liven up the proceedings with an action sequence here and there throughout the movie. The action in the movie is actually somewhat enjoyable in some places. The use of future technology and gadgets is interestingly implemented, and the choreography is fun to watch when the characters come into conflict with robots, aliens or the like. However, these sequences are scattered are scattered few and far between, often leaving you pining for the next bit of excitement, however little, that the movie can possibly deliver, only for the film to leave you waiting for so long that you find yourself losing even more interest in what is happening on screen. You'll begin to wonder if that's even possible by the time you're waiting for (read: begging) the finale to the movie to kick start. The movie would have greatly benefitted from a few more of these action beats, but at the very least, what we got was fun and enjoyable to watch. Just a few more factors to mention before I can wrap up this review. As I previously hinted, the editing in the movie is terrible, and frequently either gives away future events too obviously or uses transitions which are more akin to something found in Windows Movie Maker. The soundtrack in the movie is fine, but is completely uninspired and you could likely find some stock sci-fi music on YouTube which could do the job just as adequately. Finally, technically, with regards to cinematography and lighting, the movie is adequate, but is slightly taken away from when you consider that the movie is largely CGI. When considering that some shots are completely computer generated, this would be somewhat akin to me complementing the cinematography in an animated movie. This is possible, if the frame is created stylishly, but the whole process lacks any ingenious flair or fun which could have made this really stand out as something special.

The next stage of Gungan evolution

It's a real, genuine shame about "Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets". You can tell director Luc Besson was looking for a solid return to form after the disappointment of "Lucy" in 2013,  largely through the visual spectacle the movie certainly delivers on to an extent. The effects are nice, remaining faithful to the style of the original graphic novel the movie was based on, and remains great to watch during the often fun action sequences, which thankfully deliver some reprieve from the movie's faults. Unfortunately, those faults are many and are on screen for far longer than any of the action beats care to entertain you for. The effects, for how good they are, are frequently dull and boring, somehow making what should be a visually dynamic and thriving environment into a drab and uninteresting husk. The same can be said for the aliens. The plot is also predictable and standard stock for this type of movie, weighed down further by some unlikable characters and often dreadful acting.  Most unforgivably, however, the entire film is hopelessly boring to watch, and will make that 140 minute running time feel considerably longer than it actually is. This is a true example of style over substance, and is the latest example that effects do not make a movie. For all the great effects and cool action that's in the movie, I simply cannot give this movie a high score, and in fact I'm giving it a low score, because it seems like little to no effort has been put in in any other area of the film's production. We can only hope that filmmakers considering or in the process of making films like this one will actually inject some life and energy into the movie they are creating. Without the heart required to do so, the future of sci-fi film quality may be questionable to say the least.

Pros

• Visually great
• Some cool action beats

Cons

• Uninspired designs, both for aliens and locations
• A bland and nonsensical plot
• Incredibly predictable
• Generally terrible acting
• Dreadful characters
• Devoid of any emotion
• Sets and CGI landscapes are drab and artificial
• Editing
• The entire film is boring

Rating: 2/10

Original Release Date: 2nd of August, 2017

Starring Dane DeHann, Cara Delevingne, Clive Owen, Rihanna, Ethan Hawke, Herbie Hancock, Kris Wu, Elizabeth Debicki, and John Goodman